To Be Me Again
by Keleficent
Summary: Dipper, still dealing with the aftermath of being brutally raped, just wants his life to get back to normal (sequel to See The Sun).
1. Everything Is Okay Now

Dipper thought he would feel better when he and Mabel were finally released from the hospital. But as he stared out the car window, he felt anxiety festering within him. He didn't understand why. Everything should be fine now, right? He was going home. He was with his family again.

Speaking of his family, he knew they were all watching him. He could feel Mabel's eyes on the back of his head, and he was certain Stan and Ford were watching him from the front seat in the rear-view window. He wished everyone would stop staring at him.

When they arrived at the Shack, Dipper got out of the car way too fast and aggravated his wounds. He still couldn't walk right thanks to the injuries forcing him to waddle like a penguin. As if he didn't feel humiliated enough.

Stan noticed Dipper's discomfort and put his hand on his nephew's shoulder in concern. Dipper shook his hand to assure Stan he was fine. He headed towards the trunk of the car to get all the flowers and cards given to them during their hospital stay, but Stan held up his hand.

"Me and Ford got this stuff. You kids go inside."

Dipper didn't feel like arguing, so he obeyed and headed towards the house. Mabel appeared by his side and offered her hand. For a second, he wanted to swat it away and insist he didn't need her help. He was instantly ashamed for allowing such a rude thought to cross his mind.

Mabel had done nothing but make sure he was alright even though she had suffered too. When they were kidnapped and held in a cage like animals, Mabel tried to take care of him. She would let him lay down on her lap and stroke his hair trying to comfort him even as she was being starved to death. She would brush aside her own pain saying Dipper had suffered worse since he was…

Dipper shook the thought from his head. They weren't there anymore. Everything was fine now.

He gave a small smile and took her hand. She was already looking better. The color returned to her face and her ribs were no longer poking out of her body. She seemed to be recovering faster than him. The last time Dipper looked in the mirror, his face was still pretty pale and sunken in.

As they entered the house, they were greeted by an excited Waddles. He jumped on Mabel and nearly knocked over since she was still weak. But she managed to stay on her feet and give Waddles a hug.

"Oh, Waddles, I missed you so much. I thought I'd never see you again."

Mabel had no idea how close she was to never seeing Waddles again.

 _Dipper tried to get into the usual position, but even kneeling was too much for his famished and battered body now._

 _"Get up." The man kicked Dipper's side._

 _"I'm trying."_

 _"You want your sister to die?"_

 _"No, please. I'm trying." Dipper tried to push himself up, but his arms, even thinner and weaker than before, gave out on him. "I'm trying, I swear. Don't hurt my sister, please."_

Dipper was pulled out of his thoughts when Waddles rubbed his snout against his legs.

"Aw, look, Dipper, he missed you too."

Dipper bent down to pet Waddles' head. "Heh, good boy."

He gave Waddles a pat before letting him go off to play with Mabel. He took the opportunity to walk around the house. This was the first time he's been alone since he was rescued. He ran his hand along the wall as he walked. He needed to feel the solid wood beneath his fingers to make sure this wasn't a dream.

The Shack was exactly how Dipper remembered it. But why wouldn't it be? It had been little more than a week. The few days in the hospital had passed in a blur. He mostly slept. Ford and Stan were always there to put him back to sleep when he was woken by nightmares.

But before that, the days he and Mabel were held captive felt like an eternity. It made the life he knew before seem like ages ago. How many times did he say he'd be happy to see the shack one more time? Well, here he was, inside the shack again, but he didn't feel happy. He felt…he didn't really know how he felt.

Dipper made his way to the kitchen. On the table was a map of the woods surrounding Gravity Falls. There were giant red Xs in certain areas. Dipper assumed that this is the map their uncles used while looking for them. What caught Dipper's attention was a small circled area with the word "body" next to it not far from where he and Mabel were held.

Before Dipper figure out what that meant, he saw a picture peeking out from under the map. He pulled it out and was horrified to discover it was a picture of a decapitated child's body. There were huge gashes all over the body that were circled in red ink. There was a note on the picture that said: "Murder weapon: Axe?"

Dipper knew who must have done this.

 _He felt the cold steel blade weigh down on his neck._

Dipper unconsciously rubbed his neck. The very axe that hacked this poor child to death he had felt pressed against his own skin.

 _He closed his eyes and waited to die._

Was this kid thinking and feeling the same thing Dipper had before he died? Did he cry and beg for his life? Did he close his eyes and wait for it to be over?

"Dipper, don't look at that!" The picture was snatched from his hands by Ford. He put the picture in his coat out of Dipper's sight. But it was too late. The picture was burned into his memory.

"Grunkle Ford, who was that?"

"I don't know. The police are still trying to figure that out." Ford remembered when he and Stan found the body and those terrifying moments they thought it might be one of their kids. "It's no one from Gravity Falls, so they think he or she might be a runaway."

"He."

"What?"

"It's a boy, Grunkle Ford. He wouldn't have taken a girl. He likes boys."

Mabel had only been taken to lure Dipper into his trap. Once the man had Dipper, Mabel had outlived her usefulness. Desperate to save his sister, Dipper made a deal with the man: Dipper becomes his willing plaything in exchange for Mabel's life. But eventually, the man grew tired of his plaything.

 _"You're dying. You're no good to me anymore."_

 _Dipper looked in the direction he was being taken. There in the moonlight, almost like a spotlight on a stage, shined a tree stump. Sticking out of said tree stump was an axe._

 _"No…no, please. I don't wanna die."_

"That could have been me, Grunkle Ford. It could have been Mabel."

Ford firmly gripped Dipper's shoulder. "He can never hurt anyone ever again, Dipper."

"Yeah, you made sure of that." Dipper smiled remembering the poetic justice Ford inflicted upon his abuser.

Ford smiled back and lightly ruffled his hair. "That's the price one pays for harming my family."


	2. Back to Normal

The next morning, Dipper peered in on his uncles in the kitchen. They looked older than Dipper has ever seen them. Ford was slumped over in his chair, so unlike the straight, proud posture he liked to keep. His elbow was on the table and he was resting his head on his fist while mindlessly stirring his coffee with a spoon.

Stan was at the stove making some eggs for breakfast. He put his hands on the counter as though it were the only way to keep himself on his feet. He rubbed his eyes and let out a huge sigh.

Upon noticing Dipper looking in on them, they immediately straightened their posture, pasted smiles on their faces, and widened their eyes enough to hide some of the dark circles under them. Seeing this made Dipper realize how much they pushed aside their own exhaustion to focus all their energy caring for him and Mabel.

"Good morning, Dipper," said Ford.

"Morning, kid," said Stan.

"Good morning, guys. You got room for one more for breakfast?"

"Of course, son. Sit down." Ford got up and offered Dipper the chair next to his. "I'll serve you."

"I can get it, Grunkle Ford."

"I don't mind, Dipper. Just relax."

Dipper gave it up and sat down. Ford served him a small plate of eggs. Even though they had been starved, they had trouble eating large amounts of food. They explained that their bodies were in a sort of "calorie-preservation" mode and needed to readjust to eating on a regular basis. Otherwise, they could get sick.

"It's still pretty early, kid. You can go back to bed if you want." Stan used to whine whenever the kids slept in even a little, call them lazy bums. It used to annoy Dipper. He wished Stan would say it now.

"What about you guys? You look pretty tired too."

"We're old, kid. We're always tired," said Stan.

Dipper knew they were lying. He knew they had been up most of the night because he had been awake as well. Several times during the night, his uncles had come to check on them. He closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep whenever they did. He would feel them tuck the blanket around him or lightly run their hands through his hair.

Whenever they left, he was tempted to blow his cover and ask them to stay with him like they did at the hospital. Whenever he woke up from a nightmare, he always felt better seeing them and feeling their touch.

But he wasn't at the hospital anymore. He needed to get used to sleeping on his own again. He can't have his uncles baby him forever.

"Grunkle Stan?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you gonna reopen the Shack today?"

Stan hadn't even considered when he'll reopen the Shack. And he especially hasn't thought about putting Dipper and Mabel back to work. "Is that why you're up early? Don't worry about the Shack, kid. Just go back to bed."

"No, I…it's just…I was asking because…can we…?"

"Can we what?"

"Reopen the Shack. I wanna work in the Shack today."

"Dipper, you just arrived home from the hospital yesterday. You should be resting," said Ford.

"I'm feeling better, I swear. Please, Grunkle Stan. I need something to do. I need a distraction. If I don't, I'll just think about…" Dipper felt his face get hot as tears pricked the corners of his eyes. He hadn't meant to start crying.

"Okay, okay, kid," Stan said quickly like he was trying to placate a toddler before he threw a temper tantrum. "Tell you what, I'll put you on register. No heavy lifting or manual labor. Just take cash and answer questions, alright?"

"Okay, I can do that. Thanks, Grunkle Stan." Dipper finished half his small plate before getting up. "I better go get dressed."

"Alright, kid." Stan smiled at him before exchanging a concerned look with Ford.

They were both wearing the "we're-going-to-talk-about-him-as-soon-as-he's-gone" faces. Dipper hid around the corner and waited a few seconds for them to think he had left.

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Stanley?"

"No. I shouldn't have said yes. I'm such an idiot."

"You're not an idiot, Stan."

"I just don't know what to do for him."

"What about the kids' parents? Maybe they can help when they come back."

Dipper recalled when they finally got to video chat with their parents. His mother had been in hysterics and even his father couldn't stop crying. They were both soldiers and not easily prone to emotional breakdowns. It had been hard to watch.

They apologized profusely for not being there. They were giving their superiors hell trying to get their requests for leave granted so they could come home and see them. His mom said she'll consider desertion if necessary. The threat of being charged with treason wasn't going to keep her from being there for her kids when they needed her. Thankfully, he and Mabel talked her down by assuring them that they would be fine in Stan's care until they got here.

Dipper didn't reveal how much he longed for his mother and father. He didn't want to make them feel worse. But he wanted to be held in his mother's arms. He wanted his father's low voice in his ear reassuring him that he was alright.

"We don't know how long it'll take for them to come back," said Stan. "The only parents Dipper and Mabel got right now is us. And I'm not good at the whole parenting thing."

"That's not true. You've been great." Ford put a hand on his arm. "They're going through a difficult time right now, and they're very lucky to have you here to support them."

Stan gave a smile, but it left as fast as it came. "I just feel like it ain't enough. I just wish I could do something to make him feel better, you know?"

"I know. But it's not that easy. Dipper suffered a serious traumatic event. It's not something he'll move past quickly." Ford's eyes dropped to the floor with a saddened expression. "He's strong enough to get through this, I'm sure. But honestly, I'm not sure if he'll ever be the same."

Dipper had enough. He went upstairs to get ready for the day. He'll prove to them that they're wrong. He'll prove to them that he was fine. He'll prove to them that everything can go back to normal.


	3. Alone

"Thanks for visiting the Mystery Shack." Dipper handed the customer his change. "Come again."

Stan came over to Dipper. He already knew what Stan was going to ask him. "Hey, kid, you doing okay?"

"Yes, Grunkle Stan, I'm fine," Dipper answered for the one-millionth time.

"Okay, let me know if you need a break."

Dipper rolled his eyes. He wished he could go back to the days when he had to pester Stan to give him a break. Dipper pushed down his annoyance to greet the new customer that walked through the door.

"Welcome to the Mystery Shack. Next tour's at…" Dipper's words died in his throat. The red-haired, freckled teenage girl that just walked in was not a tourist. "Wendy…"

"Hey, Dipper." Wendy seemed nervous talking to him. Usually, it was the other way around. "You, uh, feeling better?"

"Uh, yeah, a lot better."

"Yeah, looks like you've taken my job."

"Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry." Dipper hadn't even considered that he was taking money away from Wendy. "I'll talk to Grunkle Stan. I'll give you the money I made today."

"Whoa, hey, don't worry about it. Just don't-" A small whimper came from Wendy. Dipper was shocked to see that Wendy was crying.

"Wendy?"

"I'm sorry, man. It's just…" Wendy pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. "I was so worried about you, dude. We looked for you and Mabel for days, and I thought…"

"Please don't cry, Wendy."

"Sorry." Wendy let go of him and wiped her eyes. "I should have known you would be okay. You're the toughest kid I know."

Dipper's face turned red. Wendy was the last person he wanted to talk to about his ordeal. He wondered how much Wendy knew. Did she know how far their kidnapper went? If she didn't know yet, she would find out eventually. What will she think of him then?

"I gotta go, um, check on the…the thing." Dipper left Wendy in his dust and went over to the shelves. He straightened up the shelves just to look like he was doing something. He felt so stupid. Wendy worked here. There was no way she was falling for this. His whole body felt hot. He could feel Wendy's eyes on the back of his head. Why won't she stop staring at him? Why won't everyone stop staring at him?

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder, a man's hand. He forgot about Wendy. He forgot what he was doing. He forgot where he was.

 _He knelt behind Dipper and put his cold hands on his bare shoulders. Dipper shuddered at his touch._

 _He pushed Dipper's shoulders to bend him over until he was on his hands and knees._

 _He thrust forward and Dipper's world exploded in pain. White-hot agony blinded his senses to everything but the fact that the man was inside him._

Dipper slapped the hand away. He backed himself against the shelf so hard that it knocked off and shattered some of the merchandise. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"Whoa, kid, what's your problem? I just wanted to ask how much this bobblehead was."

The man who touched Dipper wasn't his abuser. It was just a normal guy. But the past and present blurred together. His face was dripping with sweat. He couldn't breathe. He clamped his eyes shut. He wrapped his arms around himself and collapsed to the floor.

"STAN! STAN, GET OVER HERE!" Wendy's voice sounded so close, but also far. He didn't know what was near, far, up, or down.

Another hand went on his shoulder. He couldn't fight or run. He just froze. He felt so helpless. "Don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me."

"Dipper, hey, look at me, kid. It's me. It's Stan. You're okay."

Dipper looked up. Stan was crouching in front of him. Wendy was next to him. Behind her, there were tourists watching the scene he had made. He turned his face away in embarrassment.

"Hey! What are you all looking at? Get out of here!" Wendy shooed the gawkers out.

Stan rubbed his nephew's back. "Dipper, talk to me. What happened?"

Without warning, Dipper bolted from the gift shop. Before he could reach the stairs, someone grabbed his arm. He turned around to see the hand belonged to Wendy.

"Dipper, chill out. Let us help you."

Dipper wrenched his arm out of her grasp and ran upstairs. He wanted to shut himself away in his bedroom, but he wasn't the only one that lived there.

"Dipper?" Mabel was concerned when Dipper ran into the bedroom clearly shaken up by something. "Dipper, what's the matter?"

"Get out, Mabel."

"Dipper, what-"

"GET OUT!" Dipper didn't mean to yell. He didn't mean to make her cry, but tears threatened to spill out her eyes. He wanted to take it back and say he was sorry, but he couldn't…he just couldn't. "Please, Mabel, just go."

Without another word, Mabel left the room. He slammed the door behind her and locked it. His family knocked on the door begging for Dipper to open the door and talk to them.

After nearly an hour, they decided to leave Dipper be and let him come out when he was ready. He heard their footsteps walking away from the door.

He was alone.


	4. What I Need

Late into the night, Dipper finally left the room. He wondered where Mabel was sleeping. He should have let her in, but he couldn't face her. He couldn't face anyone.

Still, he wanted to make sure she was okay. He went downstairs and saw Mabel sleeping on the couch with Ford. There were muddy streaks down her cheeks indicating she had been crying before she fell asleep.

What was wrong with him? How could he be so selfish? How could he make his sister cry? She had been kidnapped too. She had been hurt, maybe not to the same extent at him, but still went through incredible pain.

Before he made his way back upstairs, he saw the kitchen light was on. That must be Stan. Dipper was going to wait until tomorrow to do this, but he might as well get it over with now.

He walked to the kitchen to see Stan looking even more tired and old than he did this morning. That made Dipper more determined to make it up to him.

"Grunkle Stan?"

"Oh, kid, you're out. Everything okay? You need anything?"

Dipper pulled some cash out of his pocket and held it out to Stan. "Here."

"What's this?"

"It's for the merchandise I broke today. If it's not enough, I can get more."

"Don't worry about it, kid." Stan pushed the money away.

"Take it, Grunkle Stan."

"Dipper, I told you not to worry about it."

"Just take it!"

"Dipper, what's the matter? Why are you doing this?"

"Why do you care? Before, you wouldn't have thought twice about taking money from me. Why can't you be like you were before? Why can't things be like they were before? Why can't _I_ be like I was before?" Dipper felt a catch in this throat. "Why…why can't I just be me again?"

Stan bent down to be level with Dipper and put a hand on his shoulder. "I wish I had an easy answer, kid, but in this life, those don't come around too often."

"I just…I just feel so broken, Grunkle Stan. I know I'm safe now, but…I'm still scared. I'm scared I'm going to feel this way forever."

"Aw, kid, I wish I could say you'll be back to your old self in no time, but I'd be lying if I did. I don't know what you need to feel better. I don't know how to help you." Stan cupped Dipper's face with both hands and used his thumbs to wipe his tears. "But, if you're open and honest with me, if you talk to be about what's bugging you, maybe we can figure things out together. Maybe I can find out whatever it is you need to feel like you again. And when I do, I promise I will go through hell and back to make sure you have it."

Dipper flung himself into Stan's chest and bawled. His hands curled into Stan's shirt. Stan wrapped his arms around him. He rubbed Dipper's back and put his hand in his hair. Stan shushed his cries and pressed soft kisses to the top of Dipper's head.

"I'm here, kid. Whatever you need, I'm here for you."

"It's okay, Grunkle Stan." Dipper smiled and hugged Stan tight. He felt like a fool for pushing his family away when their love and comfort was the only thing that made him feel somewhat whole again. He was broken, but that didn't mean he can't be put back together. "I think I already have what I need."


	5. You Don't Have to Pretend

When Dipper woke up, the first thing he registered was he was leaning against a large, warm body. He looked up and saw said body belonged to a sleeping Stan.

Dipper recalled he and Stan sitting on the couch to talk things over. He must have fallen asleep at some point. There was a blanket over him that Dipper didn't recall putting there. Stan must have put it on him.

Dipper felt bad. Stan slept in a bed maybe once or twice this past week. If he wasn't forgoing sleep to search for the kids, he was sleeping in a hospital chair because he refused to leave the kids' side while they recovered. It must have been murder on his already-bad back.

Dipper had the idea to get Stan's orthopedic back pillow to alleviate some of the pain. He slid under the arm Stan had wrapped around him. He searched Stan's bedroom for the pillow but couldn't find it anywhere. He checked the laundry room and every other room Stan occupied, but it was MIA.

There was only one person who would know where it is. Stan often asked her to fetch his pillow for him. Dipper didn't want to speak to her after what happened yesterday. But Stan had done so much for him at the expense of his own well-being. Dipper decided to suck it up and call her. It was the least he could do for Stan.

"Hello?" Came a groggy voice over the phone.

"Hey, Wendy. Did I wake you?" Dipper didn't even check what time it was. 6:18 am, the sun hadn't even risen yet. "I'm sorry."

"It's cool, man. No problem." All sleepiness was driven from Wendy's voice. "What's up? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I just wanted to ask you where Stan's back pillow was."

"Oh, that's under the register."

"Why is it there?"

"I didn't feel like taking it back to Stan's bedroom."

Dipper chuckled. "Thanks."

An awkward silence came between them before Wendy broke it. "Well, talk to you-"

"Wendy, wait, about yesterday…I must have looked totally crazy."

"Don't worry about it, dude. I know you were suffering emotional trauma." He expected the usual spiel of sympathy for his crumbling mental health, but what Wendy said next threw him for a loop. "Working register at the Mystery Shack is so boring, it'll make anyone crazy."

Dipper was stunned. He couldn't believe she just made a joke about this. Something bubbled deep inside him and exploded to the surface.

He laughed. He laughed hard. He laughed so hard that tears came to his eyes. Wendy's joke wasn't even that funny, but it was so nice to hear someone tell him a joke at all. It felt so good to laugh. "Thanks, Wendy. I really needed that."

"Stupid jokes? Don't worry, I got plenty of them."

"Maybe you could come over and tell me more stupid jokes."

"Sure. And you can tell me your stupid jokes. We can have a contest to see who could tell the stupidest joke."

"I can win that easy. All I've gotta do is take one of Grunkle Stan's."

"Aw, man, you're gonna use uncle jokes, Dipper? I didn't think we were playing dirty."

"I guess Stan's rubbed off on me."

"I guess so." Wendy stayed silent for another moment. "So, yeah, man, call me whenever. If you need to find any more of Stan's old man stuff…or you know…whatever."

"Yeah, sure, I will."

"And Dipper…" Wendy sounded like she was choking up a little. Dipper hoped she wasn't crying again. "It's really good to hear your voice."

"Yeah, you too."

"See you later, man."

"See you later, Wendy."

Dipper hung up and went to retrieve Stan's pillow. He brought it back to the living room and slid it behind Stan as carefully as he could without waking him. He grabbed the blanket Stan had covered him with and put it over his uncle.

Dipper headed went to his bedroom and was surprised to see his sister was looking for something in there (looking for him maybe?). "Mabel?"

"Oh, Dipper." Mabel looked relieved like she was afraid he went missing again. Her relief was replaced by apprehension. "I'm sorry. Do you want me to leave?"

"No, stay, Mabel, please. I'm so sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have been so mean to you."

"It's okay, Dipper."

"No, it's not okay. I was being selfish. You're trying to recover too."

"Don't worry about me, Dipper. I'm not the one who-"

"Mabel, stop. I know what you're gonna say. He hurt you too, Mabel. Maybe not in the same way, but he did." Dipper sat down by their window and motioned for Mabel to join him. She did so and he put his arm around her shoulder. "Mabel, he didn't feed or give us water. I know how bad that hunger hurts. It was so cold in there too. You were trying to keep me warm even though I could feel you shivering. And he kept you in the dark that whole time. I at least got to see moonlight."

Mabel simply stared at the floor as some tears slipped from her eyes. Dipper leaned in closer to her. "Mabel, you don't have to pretend you're okay."

Her lips quivered as she said in a small voice, "I'm sorry I couldn't stop him, Dipper."

Dipper hugged her. "There was nothing you could have done."

"I wish you had run away."

"I couldn't leave you to die, Mabel."

"I would have rather died than watch you…" Mabel tucked her head under his chin and sobbed. "He kept hurting you, and I couldn't do anything to help you."

"You did help me, Mabel." Her comforting touch, whether she was hugging Dipper to keep him warm or stroking his hair to help him go to sleep, was the only consolation to the man's cold, uncaring touch. "You were there for me, Mabel. Let me be there for you too."

Mabel calmed down a little before finally returning Dipper's hug. "I thought I was going to lose you."

"I know. Me too."

"But we're both here. We're both alive thanks to you, bro-bro. You really are my hero." Mabel pulled away from him and wiped her eyes before giving him a small smile.

"And you're mine, Mabel." Mabel was more than his sister; she was his best friend. There was nothing he wouldn't do to protect her. If he could do it all over again, he would make the same choice. No matter how much Dipper was hurt, he'll never regret giving himself up to save Mabel. His sister was alive. He was alive. At the end of the day, that was all that mattered.

"It's almost dawn, Mabel. You want to watch the sunrise?"

Mabel nodded and opened the window. The dark sky slowly turned a bright shade of orange as sunlight peeked over the horizon.

After being trapped in the darkness not knowing if they'll live another day, they'll never take for granted a chance to see the sun again.


End file.
